LeJOY on Feelings

All living things do have feelings of one sort or the other. I'm sure plants can feel too even though they can't talk. Nonetheless , it's easy to find out how plants feel as well. When it rains, they have enough moisture. Sunlight is another part of their food. Deprive them of that and they will soon die.

When it comes to sentiments, animals are tops. Watch a dog when it knows its master is angry with it because it's done something wrong, such as running away from home. Watch a chimpanzee show off when many people are watching it display its skills.

From babies to adults, boys to men, girls to women, we all have feelings. We feel happy and sad, joyful, ecstatic, angry, bitter, resentful, hurt, vengeful, retaliatory. We feel hopeful and sometimes hopeless. We feel silly, vulnerable, remorseful and unforgiving. We feel anxious, depressive, humiliated, pessimistic and fearful.

I remember feeling very nervous the other day. The secretary of my company's president called to say that the president would like to talk to me. This had never happened before. It made me speculate as to what the topic of our discussion would be.

The president had once told me that he had me in his good books. He said everyone talked about how energetic and friendly I was. He'd be more than ready to let me continue working at MITAC anywhere in the world where the company has offices. But since I wasn't quite sure why he wanted to talk with me, I became very nervous. I'd just been promoted to senior writer a few months back. Did he have another package for me? I wondered. I'm pretty industrious and perhaps ambitious in the fact that I always want to do more; to be given more responsibility. I'd be happy if he gave me a more powerful position.

I remember being provoked to anger one Saturday last month. As usual, I was returning from a teaching assignment in Keelung late at night. The lady at the toll station between Taipei and Linkou gave me the weirdest and the ugliest look my eyes have ever beheld as she grabbed the toll from my hand. She spoiled my mood. I'd been singing all along before that incident. Her action turned me into a avenger. I'm sure had I not been on the highway, I'd stop and make her smell the rat.

I felt silly this morning. I went to Taipei yesterday to pick up a monitor, a blender and heater someone who's relocating is dispensing. It's customary to cross-check things you want to buy to make sure that you don't take them home and then regret why you bought them in the first place. I didn't. This morning when I turned on the monitor to see how good it was, I became angry with myself. The thing was not working well. I'd wasted my money. I should have bought a new one. Obviously, I thought I would save myself some money, but I ended spending more: on my way back, I had an accident and according to the law, I was wrong. The guy in front of me was driving recklessly, in my opinion. I bumped into him as he was swerving. I ended up paying him NT$4,000 for damage to his rear light. I have also forfeited the use of the van as a result of the accident. Yet, I was not to blame.

I remember the time when I felt real joy. It was when Jesus came into my life. Before that I was on the verge of suicide. Excruciating pains were charging through my body. Visits to doctors proved useless as none of them could find out what was wrong with me. They all said that I was healthy and insinuated that I was feigning my illness. But life for me was hell.

Thank God that I heeded my Mom's call to surrender my life to the Lord. When I obeyed, all my pains and burdens left me. I felt like a child with a pure heart full of unfathomable joy, love, peace and hope. I could fly like an eagle. I could soar. My countenance shone like the sun as my heart was aglow. I loved God like no one does. I loved myself and I loved others. Life took on a new meaning, a brand new dimension. I could fly. Oh, how I felt good!

I have felt sad, too. Sad because of what I have done to the ones I love most. Basically, the person I have hurt most is Jesus. I've hurt Him because of my sin and disobedience. I've lost a relative or two and I felt sad. I remember when my step brother died. That was a long time ago. But I remember feeling sad as they put him in the grave.

I have felt lonely, though I've pretended not to be. It's been ages since Mom and I lived under the same roof. Sometimes, even now, I may just start crying … [I don't want to carry on writing this otherwise I may start crying again. You may think I'm sissy, some kind of jellyflish, but I guess you've never been in my shoes].

Sometimes I feel sad for no good reason at all. Sometimes, it's the folly that I'm all alone in spite of the fact that there are many people around me.

Sometimes it's a feeling of not having any real friends even though my friends abound. Sometimes it's because people talk behind my back and I kind of feel they all hate my guts though they're not brave enough to admit it in my face. Sometimes it's just the cold and dull weather. You feel like you're out there in the cold all by yourself. Sad!

I remember feeling excited when I was at high school. My grades were excellent and I was awarded a scholarship to university. I often feel excited but that was the highlight of all my excitement.

Fear is another human feeling and I confess to be its victim as well. Obviously, I'm a very optimistic person and I'm not scared of things that may happen to me. I know the Lord will take care of me. But I'm sometimes scared of the unknown. I remember when I was coming to Taiwan. Initially I was so excited but when the time came I was dead scared. My friend, Fred, was driving me to the airport when suddenly I began to feel the butterflies in my tummy. I guess I was as sweaty as hell. I was close to telling Fred to drive me back home.

I'm scared of heights and often develop weak knees when I'm walking over a bridge. Some folks do rock climbing and bungee jumping but I get the creeps when I'm only on the 6^th floor of a building a look down. Terrible. Another thing I'm afraid of is the police. For some strange reason, I just don't like to see the police especially if they come asking me questions. Not that I'm a criminal, but I can't control the blood pressure.

I hate to quarrel. There are some folks whose blood group and mine don't match. One of them sits right across me in the office. Sometimes when we confront each other the adrenaline just keeps rising. I hate that. It's much better airing our grievances through e-mail.

Now that you've read some examples on how I feel sometimes, it's your turn. WHATEVER YOU FEEL, DON'T LET YOUR FEELINGS BE YOUR RUDDER.